COVID and lockdown made it so hard to date! It’s funny how I suddenly found myself on dating apps, with a purpose to meet these people as soon as lockdown was over!
Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to introduce to you, the rude guy, d!ck appointments, stage 3 cling-ons, the sexters, the cuddlers and my personal favourite, the wallflower with tattoos.
A bit of background. After being unhappy in an exceptionally long relationship I took the leap and ended it. It was around this time that my sex drive came back with a vengeance and I had to make a purchase from Sari to keep myself good and err entertained. Great, so I’m 35, single and I have the sex drive of a bunny rabbit on steroids. Sadly, however satisfying the Pillow Talk was, it did not keep me warm at night and Sunday naptime is just not the same without a handsome someone by my side. The next best option was …and don’t laugh…I joined two dating apps for a month.
I guess I was never fully prepared for what I was walking into here. Grab a cup of coffee (or something stronger if you prefer) and a notepad, you’re going to need it…
After creating both profiles all I really had to do was wait. It was not long before my inbox was filled with various conversations, some tame and some that made me blush a little. Some people beat around the bush a little and some got straight to the point.
The Rude Guy
Clearly, I did at some point think he was ok, but I guess he had this weird personality trait that just gives me the heebie-jeebies. Guys, girls, please, be nice to your waiter, waitress or bar lady! They are not your slaves! I also paid for one full night of drinking (I thought this was a 50/50 gig). I was always the one driving to his part of town as well, so… bye Felicia! The effort you put in is what you should get out!
Dick Appointments
I am incredibly sad to say that this is a thing. It is not long before you are invited to have, and I quote, “the most mind-blowing sex of your life” with a total stranger. Not going to lie, I considered this for a moment. The moment passed. Thankfully!
Thoughts that raced through my mind were as follows;
- Is that even you in the picture?
- Are you an axe murderer?
- How many STD’s are you going to give me?
- How old are you really? I don’t want to go to jail.
Orange isn’t the new black and it’s definitely not my colour!
The Stage 3 Cling-on:
Also a thing! Babe, love, hunny etc…. These are ALL pet names I (personally) reserve for the people I care about or for that special someone I have an actual connection with. I also understand that people tend to use these terms of endearment loosely, so I let it slide. Sometimes. But know that this is a sure way to irritate the crap out of me. Other red flags for me, are the ones who do not stop calling or texting. Every minute of every day, who want a running commentary of what you are doing. Find a balance here ladies and gentlemen!! The cling-ons got a hard no from me!
The Sexters
They charm your socks off at first. But boy oh boy are they sneaky. Their go-to is long term vibes but their art is reverse psychology. Luckily, my boundary-setting-game is strong, and I didn’t even feel bad when I blocked these guys.
Sunday Cuddlers
True story. People are so lonely, when they find it too quiet or when they are left with their own thoughts they will literally ask if you are up for a cuddle. This reminds me of a movie – Our Souls at night. It’s all about the comfort of companionship. So, I guess, it’s not all about relationships and sex?
The Wallflower with the Tattoos
Gosh. I like him, I like him, I like him. This man doesn’t just make me weak in the knees (that’s right, present tense), he makes me forget that I have legs. He actually has a brain and a sense of humour. Did I mention our first meeting was on Table Mountain overlooking all the beautiful city lights?
Let’s recap:
Polite AF
Hot AF
Funny AF
Smart, really
The wallflower and his tattoos make up for all the crappy Tinder and Hinge dates I have been on – even though he is a good 5 years younger than me! Who knows where this might or might not go? Honestly, I just want to lick all his tattoos!!! I’m ok with that and I hope he is too!
The Friends
Dating apps are not just for hook-ups or to find the one you will spend your last sunset with. It’s also a great place to meet new friends, which let’s face it, is hard to make at any age! If you are just looking for a holidate or someone to do road trips with, this is a good place to start! Who knows what else you might find here?
The Sad Reality
People are so desperate to find something, ANYTHING, to fight the loneliness (they don’t actually know what they are looking for) that they don’t care who or where it’s coming from.
While you take on the mammoth task of dating it is important to remember the following:
[ ] Always carry condoms with you
[ ] Always meet in a public place if it’s a first or a second or a third time
[ ] Never, ever put yourself in a compromising position
[ ] Always send a friend your pin or live location
[ ] Video calls. Always before any meet up, just to make sure you won’t be spending the rest of your life in an orange onesie or a body bag?
[ ] Don’t take dating too seriously
And whilst these are good tips, it’s important to also have fun. We live every single day; we might as well make the most of it. Everyone has a story, people have been hurt, or they have just given up completely. People get stood up and ghosted all the time and for some this could be quite damaging.
Ladies and gentlemen, I do not want to lie. It’s a jungle out there. Dating is hard. There is a lot of sex but not enough connection, not enough chemistry. Don’t step into those feelings too quickly – aim for fun and let the rest just happen naturally. Don’t force anything!
Me? I am cautiously optimistic about the wallflower; For now, I eat my dinner for two for one and enjoy my me-time. I say don’t force anything but what I’m really saying is, I’ll be most disappointed if I get bread-crumbed or ghosted by the wallflower.
xoxo
your favourite Afrikaans girl (you can find me next-door)
